A Chaotic Mind

I Love You's And Good Bye's

There was this one point in my life when all I could ever wish for was to hear him say it. It's been stirring for quite some time and I just wanted him to admit it, that he loved me. He did after quite some time and he showed it. And, I thought I couldn't be any happier. But then, how could I expect happiness to last when the person's life is utterly disheveled from his past? There were just so many lies that I couldn't possibly sort out the start and the end of it. And, to trust him was difficult. How can one trust someone who has lied several times during the beginning of a relationship? How can one trust someone who has ruined his first, serious relationship because of his lies? And, the worst came when I received messages and miscalls from the girl he has been dating behind my back. Apparently, she thought I was the other girl all this time. She didn't know I was the real girlfriend, the one he introduced to his family. I was shattered because I mistook remorse for a person's willingness to reform. I tried to forgive him for it. But then, how can you forgive someone who doesn't even know the meaning of remorse? I don't know how dense people can get but I think he has surpassed the meter for it considering that he believes that the girl who hasn't stopped miscalling or stalking me at friendster and my other sites or calling him and sms-ing him should be a part of our past. Am I unreasonable to think that she couldn't possibly be in the past because she's still around?

So, there it started -- I saw him in the darkest of light for the first time during our relationship. And, for some reason, this person just has the talent of making things worse rather than better. With his need to evade his mistakes and cover them up, he kept on digging a deeper hole for himself. I'm not saying he never did anything right. It's just that the mistakes somehow surpassed the right because they drained me. Pointing them out drained me. Making him realize them drained me. And, if I could compare the love I felt for him with a bank, I woud say that the money he took out was greater than what he put in. I don't really give up on people... And, I really did my best to coach him. Unfortunately, he just never got it -- Well, he refused to get it.

Instead of showing remorse, he tightened the rope around my neck. I felt that I was being strangled already. He was deadly jealous of every single guy around me. And, even worse, he acts up whenever I go out with my girl friends, demanding that I go home early and I tell him every single detail that we talked about. Somehow, it seemed like every time he showed an act of remorse, he resented me for it and found ways of making it even. But, the truth is it wasn't even because I wasn't the one who cheated on the relationship. It was him. And, I think he forgot about it.

So, even though it is against all the relationship books and seminars that I've gone on, the most efficient way to say good bye was the truth -- His way of snaking out of his mistakes and not knowing the meaning of remorse and accepting the consequences as well as his inability to protect me and stand up for me, disgusts me. And, that is exactly what I told him. It was the best way to say, "good-bye" and "no more bs please"

And, believe me, I know how he's going to react to this blog. To him, it'll be as simple as, "The door is always open." I don't mean enough for him to realize that I'm leaving because he hasn't done enough to make it right. He wouldn't even try to make things better for me. He'd rather resign with "I can't!" Well, there were so many challenging moments in our relationship when I could've said, "I can't" but I didn't give up. I encouraged him to get closer to his kids and I made him quit smoking... And, even though it also brought me pain, I did my best to comfort him at the beginning of my relationship. Also, there were times when I thought I couldn't forgive him for breaking my heart... But, I just kept on forgiving and caring even though when I couldn't possibly keep it up... And, now that he's the one who needs to grow some balls to keep the relationship, I can tell that he's reply would be "I can't. The door is always open. Get out!"

Why I Feel Loved

I feel loved because he never ceases to surprise me. The first time he surprised me was when he taught me that he wasn't the person I painted him to be. And then, he did it again when he made me see the world around me more clearly -- I saw my path more clearly and my eyes opened up to the reality around me. He made me wiser. He took me away from false friends and brought me closer to my real friends. And, whenever our relationship goes sour, he manages to find a way to surprise me again... He has never failed to show that he wants to keep me by his side. And, his ways are very simple -- He just kept on surprising me. He kept on doing things that no one has ever done for me before. And, that is why I feel loved.

Trust and Disappointments!@

Being a free spirit with a lot of interests, I have a never-ending supply of friends and acquaintances. I have always been a very trusting and giving person. And, I have always found rewards in seeing my friends happy. Yet, now, I question myself, should I stop being this way?

If fear can become an ally because it makes you cautious, would mistrust do the same?

I mingled in my social circles without fear.  And, I've encountered a lot of sharks that have wounded me drastically.  I've had friends who disappear in times of need.  Even worse, I've had friends who betray me for their own profit.  In fact, a year ago, a friend of mine stole my boyfriend by pretending to be his close friend and bad-mouthing me.

Recently, I found myself breaking the last straw that holds my belief in friendships. I was once again disappointed by another friend.  I trusted that person.  I cared for that person.  There was even a time when I told him that I loved him like a brother.  And, because I have always taken my friendships seriously, I've always been there for him.

Unfortunately, good things never last.  Knowing that he doesn't really respect me was one of the biggest disappointments in my life.  People tell me that it was just a nonchalant reply but to me it was a slap in the face -- The clearest proof of how he sees me now.  I've lost a friend.  His arrogant ego has covered up the person I once knew.  And, the monster that has replaced him is totally unbearable.  The monster has fooled him to believe that he is something great -- But to me, he is nothing... And, one day, when his meager accomplishments are no longer recognized, he will realize that.  One day, he will need my help. And, two words will be reply. F*** O**!

No more smiles.  No more kind words or gentle advices.  No more thoughtful deeds... Just plain hatred... Sayonara!

My Biggest Mistake...

My Biggest Mistake

Dedicated to -- the most wonderful friends a person can have

It is normal for humans to fear lonliness, to want someone by their side and to belong to a loving relationship.  In fact, a lot of us are forever searching for our perfect match, our soulmate, our partner in life... The one person we can give out hearts to.

I thought I've found that person.  And, because, I truly love him I gave all my attention and all the love that I have to him.  That was my biggest crime.  It turned out we were never meant to be.  Because I was needy of his love, I failed to remember that there are other people in my life who love me.  For the longest time, I was a wreck.  And, I had my friends and family running in circles just to cure me of my depression.  I even had a couple of friends race to my house at the most ungodly time of the day just to stop me from commiting suicide.  After that incident, one of them would come to my house everytime I was depressed just to talk some sense into me.  I also have an aunt who would wake up at dawn just to keep me company, listen to my angst and assure that I am not a bad person. My dad would also call me up almost everyday just to ask how I am.  I was blessed but I failed to see that.  Instead, I felt cursed.  I felt unloved.  I felt inferior... And, now I feel stupid.

I am not cursed, unloved or inferior.  I was blind and stupid. Maybe a little bit selfish too.  But, now I'm a little wiser. I used to believe that the only constant thing is change.  But, now, I also believe that another constant thing is love.  And, sometimes, we tend to feel that it is non-existent because we are not looking at the right direction.  We can be so obsessed with romantic love that we forget that it has other forms.  And, because of that, we hurt the people who truly love us.  I am guilty of that crime.

I allowed someone to compromise my safety when there are so many people around me doing everything they can to keep me safe.  I had the gall to attempt suicide and to say that I should've died when there are so many people around me who are relieved to see me live through an accident. I bet I'm a record holder in Capitol Med for having the most visitors.

I was already loved and I didn't know it.  Worse, I devalued the love and the care the people around me have for me. I may not be perfect but I do believe that they wouldn't have so much love for me if I didn't have lovable qualities.  And, I feel stupid for not seeing that and believing that I am lesser than I am.

Now, I don't feel unloved anymore.  I just feel stupid and sorry for not realizing that sooner.  I also feel thankful that I have such people in my life.  I felt unloved because I looked for it in the wrong person.  I felt betrayed because I gave my trust to the wrong friend.  But, I know better now... Right now, I'm not crying because I'm hurt.  I'm crying because I'm happy.

Arigatou gozaimasu!

On Wrestling...

Why Wrestling is Better Than Significant Others...

(formerly titled: Why Wrestling is Better Than Men but I realized most of the people I wrestle with are guys... ^_^; ahehehehe...)

1.) It doesn't get jealous when you have other activities.

2.) It doesn't get you pregnant. -OR- You don't get it pregnant.

3.) It doesn't hurt you emotionally.

4.) When you get hurt, you have wonderful team mates who will look after you.

5.) It's very accepting.

6.) It allows you to release your frustrations and anger... It doesn't complain or answer back when you feel like venting... In fact, you get complimented when you're venting out your frustrations 'coz you become better in the mats..

7.) It makes you feel better when you have a bad day... Honestly, it's the best stress reliever there is...

8.) It's a venue for meeting new significant others or other significant others...? ^_^; (I hope this statement doesn't get me into trouble... Honestly, though... Bato bato sa langit... ahem!!! DUH! hypocrisy is soo last season!@)

9.) It builds up your self-esteem... Especially after a former significant other has wrecked it immensely. (Honestly, humiliating me and putting me down was his hobby...)

10.) It helps you lose a lot of weight... It's a better calorie burner than sex!!! ~_^

After Team61

Every step is a journey.  And, I have trudged a long way to be where I am now...

It has been six months since I graduated from Starshooters Team 61.  And, what has changed in my life?  A LOT!!!

I remembered how I used to be.  I remembered feeling hopeless and desperate.  I was clinging onto fragments of a relationship that can no longer be put together.  I was depressed, sad, insecure and very confused.  At that time, I didn't know who I was.  I've lost sight of my ambitions and my potential.  I was just an over-loyal, pretending to be blind girlfriend.  Did I say "girlfriend"?  Doormat was the word for me.  I was the doormat of actor, Lance Castillo!  Perhaps I can hate him for every single degrading word that he said to me.  Perhaps I can hate him for making me seem like an unreliable person when so many people (like my beloved teammates and friends) rely on me in times of need.  Perhaps I can hate him for the wreck he has transformed me into.  But, really!  At that time, I hated myself more because I allowed him to.  And, foolish as it may seem, I have a crime against myself because I believed that I have become unreliable and that all my decisions have to depend on him...

I was a wreck!  And, I gave my coach a very hard time... I gave everyone a hard time to put me back together.  This Humpty Dumpty was unrecognizable when she fell off the wall... Errr... when she hit the windshield? ~_^ Hahahaha!

I remembered being told by someone that the team has done nothing for me, that it changed nothing.  But, now I can say it to her face.  You're wrong!  You are dead wrong!

It has done a lot for me.  It reminded me who I am... I died after the accident.  Not physically.  Emotionally... Spiritually... And, the group helped in my rebirth.  Of course, it didn't happen at once.  Not immediately! Duh!  Nothing ever does!

It happened slowly.  Just like the way a little bird is hatched.  First, I only saw darkness.  And, I thought that it was comfortable in there.  I was safe but I was miserable!  And then, people kept tapping the shell that enclosed me until it cracked (I'm talking about being processed here...).  And then, the first stream of light came in.  It felt nice.  And, of course, anything that feels nice becomes addictive.  And, you just keep wanting more.  So, I wrestled my way out... I struggled until the shell came off piece by piece... And, here I am now!

I see a whole new world ahead of me.  I can say good-bye to being "doormat girlfriend" and "betrayed friend".  I'm too damned smart and talented to play that role.  What am I now?

I am currently earning my own money and I am close to reaching my money goal for the year.  And, I am doing a job that I love... I love this job because it opened my eyes to a bigger world.  It showed me a lot of possibilities. And, it allowed me to hear a lot of kind words from people I have never met personally ... 

I have returned to training.  Despite the constant recurrence of my eye abrasion, the hurting knee, the fear that my face will be hit, I made the choice to take a risk.  After all, exiling myself to a life that I do not want gives me more pain...

I have also returned to my paranormal studies.  In fact, I have made a journal of my experiences in http://godessofchaos.multiply.com.

I have also graduated from my course... Errr... I have passed all my subjects and I am now waiting for my graduation this March, 2006.  And, I'm counting the days before I will have a .22 Star under my name...

I was also able to buy my phone back.  I lost it when I sold it in order to pay for my ex's "vtr expenses"... I don't know how I did it... But, I did it... I guess, it was meant to be returned to me... ~_^ 

And, I have acquired a new hobby... The girl who's afraid to sing in public IS NOW TAKING VOICE LESSONS! 

STARSHOOTERS TEAM 61 and to the people who are responsible for putting me in there (I wouldn't have made it in without the pledges!!) ... THANK YOU SO MUCH! -- Shandy Saikyou

When Do You Stop Loving Someone?

The answer is NEVER. Just like any form of energy, love doesn't disappear.  It changes form, but it can never destroyed.  Once you love someone, it is impossible to stop loving that person.  Sometimes, it is only masked by hatred to make separation easier.

I fell in love with this person.  And, even though I have so many reasons to hate him, I know that I never will.  Those reasons incite my fury against him.  But, a lot of fond memories awaken my love for him.  The most special memory would be the first time he said, "I love you." 

I would also be reminded by the most trivial things like rain falls, walks around the campus, gas stations, convenient stores, the entrance to his street, certain drinks, the smell of cigarettes, a pack of Marlboro reds, a game of Generals, Lilo and Stitch, Bonnie and Clyde, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Kill Bill, imprints of palms, the wall beside my bed, a lonely knife, articles about ligers and tigons, documentaries about tanks...  It may sound silly but I bet a lot of you can relate to this.

A lot of people may say that I am being masochistic and I am only hurting myself by thinking this way.  But, I realized that I can't help remembering these things.  And, what really hurts is forcing myself to not think of such memories or looking at these memories with regrets.  And then, I changed my perspective.  These memories are the happiest ones that we had in our utterly disturbed relationship.  And, now, instead of making me cry, they make me smile.

I may love these memories.  I may enjoy looking back to these memories.  But, I know that these memories belong in the past.  Because, right now, such memories cannot be created.  The situation we have somehow found ourselves in is just too bleak to create fond memories.  The only memories that would be created by staying together are hurtful ones, invoking more reasons to hate each other and creating more room for regret.  Perhaps, new memories maybe created in the future when everything is renewed... Perhaps...

As of now, all I know is that I will always open my door for opportunity when it knocks but it does not mean that I will spend my life waiting by the door for opportunity's knock... Life is too short for waiting...

Failure Analysis of a Relationship

The most important foundation of love is trust.  The existence of reliability, loyalty and sincerity depends on the virtue of trust.  A partner cannot be reliable if his presence during times of need is doubted.  A partner cannot be loyal if his actions are always met with suspicion.  A partner cannot be sincere if his words are considered with doubt.  And, in such conditions, love cannot exist because it is not allowed to exist.

Avocations of love become lies.  Loving gestures become laiden with motives. And, any form of commitment is immediately broken by the slightest mistake.  Nothing is right.  Everything is all wrong.  "Yeah, right" becomes the automatic reply to "I love you".  "I wish" follows the words, "You're the only one I love..." 

Where does such a tedious relationship lead?  It leads to failure.  I thought the outcome could be changed.  But, I was wrong.  Nothing I do will change a person's choice.  He chose to believe that there was no love.  Whatever his reasons were, he never believed that I love him.  And, I wore myself out trying to prove it.  Unfortunately, my efforts were nevery acknowledged.  And, I ended up restricting and changing so much of myself just to fit his expectations.  Until one day, I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

And, when I was no longer myself, I made myself subject to more emotional battery.  My attempts to be perfect for him were in vain.  He didn't value me more.  Instead, it made him take me for granted. He'll put me aside or pick me up whenever it pleases him. The relationship was like a sand castle that eroded each time a wave passes by.  It was unstable.  And, I found myself putting the blame on myself just to rebuild it.

Finally, I woke up and realized my folly.  I realized that he has stopped living up to the man I fell in love with.  He was no longer the man who made me laugh or made me feel so precious.  The voice that used to tell me that I am better than I think I am has faded away.  Instead, all I can hear now is a voice that calls me stupid, ignorant and worthless.  The eyes that once looked at me with so much love are now polluted with stupor and drunkeness.  The warm shoudler I used to frequent now seems so out of reach.  The kind gestures that I used to rely on have changed to demands.  It was then I realized that I have lost all hope of being loved by this man.  He loves me no more.  Perhaps he never did.  I don't know.  All I know is that I don't feel loved anymore.  My hope disappeared with my trust even if my love remained.

Unfortunately, two hearts must beat as one in order to establish a relationship.  And, if only one heart is a believer in love and fights for it, it fights in vain... A man who has never truly known love will never be able to see it...