After Team61

Every step is a journey.  And, I have trudged a long way to be where I am now...

It has been six months since I graduated from Starshooters Team 61.  And, what has changed in my life?  A LOT!!!

I remembered how I used to be.  I remembered feeling hopeless and desperate.  I was clinging onto fragments of a relationship that can no longer be put together.  I was depressed, sad, insecure and very confused.  At that time, I didn't know who I was.  I've lost sight of my ambitions and my potential.  I was just an over-loyal, pretending to be blind girlfriend.  Did I say "girlfriend"?  Doormat was the word for me.  I was the doormat of actor, Lance Castillo!  Perhaps I can hate him for every single degrading word that he said to me.  Perhaps I can hate him for making me seem like an unreliable person when so many people (like my beloved teammates and friends) rely on me in times of need.  Perhaps I can hate him for the wreck he has transformed me into.  But, really!  At that time, I hated myself more because I allowed him to.  And, foolish as it may seem, I have a crime against myself because I believed that I have become unreliable and that all my decisions have to depend on him...

I was a wreck!  And, I gave my coach a very hard time... I gave everyone a hard time to put me back together.  This Humpty Dumpty was unrecognizable when she fell off the wall... Errr... when she hit the windshield? ~_^ Hahahaha!

I remembered being told by someone that the team has done nothing for me, that it changed nothing.  But, now I can say it to her face.  You're wrong!  You are dead wrong!

It has done a lot for me.  It reminded me who I am... I died after the accident.  Not physically.  Emotionally... Spiritually... And, the group helped in my rebirth.  Of course, it didn't happen at once.  Not immediately! Duh!  Nothing ever does!

It happened slowly.  Just like the way a little bird is hatched.  First, I only saw darkness.  And, I thought that it was comfortable in there.  I was safe but I was miserable!  And then, people kept tapping the shell that enclosed me until it cracked (I'm talking about being processed here...).  And then, the first stream of light came in.  It felt nice.  And, of course, anything that feels nice becomes addictive.  And, you just keep wanting more.  So, I wrestled my way out... I struggled until the shell came off piece by piece... And, here I am now!

I see a whole new world ahead of me.  I can say good-bye to being "doormat girlfriend" and "betrayed friend".  I'm too damned smart and talented to play that role.  What am I now?

I am currently earning my own money and I am close to reaching my money goal for the year.  And, I am doing a job that I love... I love this job because it opened my eyes to a bigger world.  It showed me a lot of possibilities. And, it allowed me to hear a lot of kind words from people I have never met personally ... 

I have returned to training.  Despite the constant recurrence of my eye abrasion, the hurting knee, the fear that my face will be hit, I made the choice to take a risk.  After all, exiling myself to a life that I do not want gives me more pain...

I have also returned to my paranormal studies.  In fact, I have made a journal of my experiences in http://godessofchaos.multiply.com.

I have also graduated from my course... Errr... I have passed all my subjects and I am now waiting for my graduation this March, 2006.  And, I'm counting the days before I will have a .22 Star under my name...

I was also able to buy my phone back.  I lost it when I sold it in order to pay for my ex's "vtr expenses"... I don't know how I did it... But, I did it... I guess, it was meant to be returned to me... ~_^ 

And, I have acquired a new hobby... The girl who's afraid to sing in public IS NOW TAKING VOICE LESSONS! 

STARSHOOTERS TEAM 61 and to the people who are responsible for putting me in there (I wouldn't have made it in without the pledges!!) ... THANK YOU SO MUCH! -- Shandy Saikyou